May 12, 2019

Today marks the 36^th Mother’s Day that I have been “eligible” to celebrate since the birth of my first child in 1983, and the 9^th Mother’s Day that has come around since my own mother’s death in 2010. So much of my identity as mother—and now grandmother—is grounded in what I learned from my mom, not the least of which is an understanding of “mothering.”

As a writer, I sometimes enjoy delving into semantics, looking at how two words are similar, but considering how they differ—and whether those differences matter. “Mother” and “mothering” offer a good opportunity for this game. That the two words have at their very core an obvious link, I would argue that the two can at least be different. “Mother” comes with a pretty set definition of having children. Granted, “having” can mean more than just giving birth to. Certainly adoptive mothers are every bit the mothers that biological mothers are. To be a mother really carries no hard and fast criteria of what kind of connection the mother has with her children. We all know of stories of good and bad mothers. “Mother,” is at its most basic form a label, a noun.

“Mothering” is the active verb that takes the label and turns it into a pattern of behavior, the kind of behavior that some of us were lucky to witness first hand from our own mothers, and others only hoped for.

In a way, the difference between these two terms is similar to the difference between “life” and “living.” Life has specific biologic criteria, but gives no specific connotation of good or bad. Living takes those static criteria and gives them purpose. My dad used to talk about the difference between the quality of life verses the quality of living. The quality of life is a measure of the “stuff” people amass; the quality of living is what they do with the stuff they have. It is conceivable that someone could have a lower quality of life, but enjoy a satisfying and purposeful quality of living, and vice versa. The verb is more important than the noun in this respect.

“Mothering” encompasses all those feel-good, warm fuzzies we associate with good mothers. It is a nurturing, caring attitude towards others, a desire to see that another person’s welfare is taken care of. It can include “love” but I would argue that it doesn’t have to. I don’t have to love someone to mother [verb] them.

I do find myself mothering my friends and even co-workers, and often acknowledge that I “mother everybody,” perhaps as a way of excusing any overstepping of boundaries. I just figure that with as much hatred as there is in the world today, a little caring and compassion goes a long way.

An added bonus of the word mothering is that it isn’t gender specific. It is a condition that is the basis of humanity—though not even limited to our species, of course. Men can—and do—mother others, and can do so quite well, despite any lack of estrogen.

It is interesting and satisfying to do the mothering to others. And it can be just as satisfying to be the recipient of another’s mothering. I experienced that firsthand recently at a conference. Between a pre-conference foot injury that made lots of walking a challenge, and an incident at a restaurant, I was mothered by a handful of my co-workers, male and female, and by those young enough to be my own children, as well as those at least a few years older than I am. Mothering carries no age limit, either young or old. My co-workers went out of their way to make sure I was taken care of, and I so appreciated it.

I learned mothering from my mom, to be sure. She was quite the nurturer, and went out of her way to care for others. My dad was that way, too. Especially as Mom’s health failed in later years, Daddy mothered her—and did an amazing job. I learned “mothering” from both of them. My kids and their spouses now routinely demonstrate their mothering skills, towards my grandkids and towards me. I see signs that my grandkids are learning those nurturing skills as well. My mom would be proud.

So on this Mother’s Day, I give homage to all mothers, and all who mother. And what I wouldn’t give for a little mothering from my folks again, but thank you to my friends and family who offer their mothering to me.

© Melissa Clark Vickers 2019

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1. Mardrey Swenson Says:
   May 13th, 2019 at 11:35 pm

   Thanks for this, Melissa 🙂 <3

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