So What is Normal?
Looking back over my 24 years helping mothers breastfeed their babies, in both volunteer and professional capacities, if I were to classify the calls and questions I’ve gotten from the moms, the largest percentage were variations on “is this normal?” And, by far and away, the answer to those questions was “yes.”
It’s an interesting phenomenon, and it speaks to the meaning and value of “normal.” For so many moms to be questioning whether what their babies were doing is normal, it indicates a probable misunderstanding of what “normal” really means.
If you take a specific population (babies, adults, dogs, whatever) and observe how they behave, the range of behaviors will likely fall in a lovely bell-shaped curve, where most of the individuals behave in a given way, and a few individuals behave in a more extreme way (a “lot” or a “little”). “Normal” only has meaning for a given population and given circumstances. For example, is it normal for babies to stand up and walk within minutes of birth? Yes—if you are a cow. Humans? Well, that’s another story—and another norm.
We don’t have to look as far as other species to realize confusion over norm. Is it normal for young babies to sleep very deeply for hours at a time? Yes—if the babies are formula-fed. Breastfed babies? Again, another norm—and in this case, the biological norm. Babies—human babies as well as all mammalian babies—are meant to breastfeed, so the behaviors they exhibit when breastfeeding can help us determine that biological norm, and therefore the standard against which everything must be compared.
When a mom asks if her baby’s behavior is “normal,” it is unlikely that she is asking whether her child fits some biological definition of normal, tempered with that bell-shaped curve. What she really wants to know is, “Is my child okay?” or “Am I acting and feeling like mothers should act and feel?”
“Okay” and “normal” are not necessarily the same thing. It’s possible that a baby could be absolutely okay, but fall outside the main part of the bell-shaped curve. Being really tall or really short, for example, has little or nothing to do with being okay or not. And it’s possible that a baby’s behavior could be well within the standard of behavior but not be okay. Some of this has to do with the statistics behind that curve. Norms are typically determined one behavior or circumstance at a time, and don’t easily show interconnections between behaviors. So a baby who is gaining weight “normally” might be far behind in development. His weight gain, therefore, might be normal, but he might very well not be “okay.”
Ignoring statistics now, the fact that so many moms ask “is this normal?” about their babies raises another issue, arguably more important than bell-shaped curves. Why don’t mothers know whether something is normal (okay) or not?
I think part of the answer to that question has to do with our lifestyle today, especially as compared with pre-mass media/Internet days of yore. Moms today don’t necessarily grow up watching a community of mothers caring for their infants. This has been the case for breastfeeding mothers for a few generations. The importance of role models can’t be overstated. When a mom has grown up watching other mothers, in effect, that mom is building her own bell-shaped curve of normalcy. She’s learning behaviors effortlessly, such that when it comes her turn to mother, she can naturally mimic those behaviors.
The moms of today are far more likely to find role models on TV sit-coms, through Google searches, and by people-watching at the mall. These role models are artificially based and often have little to do with biological norms! And they are often conflicting. Not only that, but these “role models” make some outside entity the expert. No wonder moms struggle with “normal”!
But there’s another aspect of whether moms know what is okay or not that we should consider—and not discount. Moms are often the best judge of when things are not okay with their babies. Even the most inexperienced new mom already has a 9-month jump start on her baby’s “normal.” She learns her baby’s patterns and reactions, and can sense when something is awry. It’s a wise doctor who takes a mother’s concerns seriously—sometimes the mom knows something is wrong even if it doesn’t readily show up in clinical tests, and her dogged persistence can make the difference in her baby’s long term health and well-being. She may not know what is wrong, but she knows that something is not okay.
We routinely tell moms to “trust their instincts”—as if that trust is a given. My daughter—a new mom herself—recently commented that she kept hearing she should trust her instincts, but she had no real proof that she had instincts to trust when it came to her baby. Eight months into parenting, just spending a little time with her and my grandson demonstrates beautifully how sharp her instincts are. She knows little signs to watch for that her baby is getting tired, hungry, upset, or hurting. She has built her own bell-shaped curves of normalcy—for her baby. It’s only when he begins to act in a totally new way—on a different, as yet unestablished, bell curve—that she needs a little reassurance.
What it all boils down to is that mothers want reassurance that they are raising their children the best way possible. What a responsibility! We can best help by recognizing that there is no one “best way” and that the mom who is in tune with her baby is the best judge for what is working and what isn’t. We can encourage her by listening to her concerns, and encourage her to listen to her gut feelings, her instincts. A sounding board is often more effective than a loud speaker.
“What good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is best after all.”
—Benjamin Spock
© Melissa Clark Vickers 2014
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