“Don’t Be Ugly”
There are many important life lessons I learned from my parents over the years, and among the most useful, universal, and lasting was my mom’s admonition: “Don’t be ugly!”
“Ugliness” to my mom had little to do with physical appearance and everything to do with how we were expected to treat other people. It was about more than just being polite—that was a given. But not being ugly also carried with it the necessity of being kind to others. “Don’t be ugly” was my mom’s version of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Not being ugly was one part civility, one part empathy, and one part effectiveness. Civility—nice girls (people) just don’t act that way. Empathy—putting ourselves in the shoes of the recipient of our message helps us understand how it will be perceived. And effectiveness—you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You have a far greater chance of effecting positive change by not being ugly than the alternative. And ugliness to my mom was not something that you are—it is something that you choose to become by your actions and words.
Not being ugly did not, however, mean “roll over, smile, and let people walk all over you.” Mom (and Daddy) showed us frequently by example how to stand up for ourselves, be assertive, and yet not go down that path of ugliness. Stand up against what’s wrong—but do it with civility, empathy, and effectiveness. If you scream at someone, the only thing you create in your listeners is a desire to find the mute button. If you berate someone for seeming stupidity, you only build walls and nobody hears anything you say. Lay blame on someone else—no matter how much you are convinced where the blame lies—and you’ll find the accusations reflected back on you like a carnival house mirror.
Refraining from ugliness also means you rarely have to apologize for what you’ve just said or done. Or at least, your apologies don’t have to be about how you delivered your message, but perhaps just for your realization that your message wasn’t what you intended. And perhaps part of not being ugly includes the willingness to admit mistakes.
When—and how—did we get to the place where rudeness (ugliness) is not only accepted, but even expected?
Sad to say, our most visible role models these days are the epitome of ugliness. Too many of our politicians are nasty, foul-mouthed, and, well, ugly. Campaigns are not run on the merits of platforms and policies, but on de-merits of insult and bluster—delivered at full volume. Sitcoms today are built on jokes that belittle others, and make us somehow feel comfortable interacting with others that way. “Reality” shows reward back-stabbing, lying, and all other manifestations of ugliness.
What kind of examples are we setting and endorsing for our children? School-aged bullies aren’t born that way—they learn their trade through every day ugliness. And school-aged bullies grow to be adult bullies.
There’s another angle to this “ugliness,” and that’s how we define “beauty.” Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but the beholder’s eye is now trained by TV, movies, commercials, etc., to expect perfection—and perfection that is randomly defined by trend and fashion. Ads on TV now alert us to all the “imperfections” that we should be embarrassed by, and are happy to take our money selling products that are likely untested, unproven, and good only for the company’s bottom line.
To me there is no greater beauty than a smile. When someone smiles, the face lights up, the eyes shine and radiate a contagious response. When you succeed in getting someone else to smile, then you are well on the way to dispelling ugliness. I love making babies smile. You smile at a baby and you can see the wheels turning, and eventually, you’ll likely get that smile right back. Whatever we radiate is reflected back on us in a very human feedback loop.
So what have you radiated today? I hope you weren’t ugly….
Thanks, Mom.
“Replacing rudeness and impatience with the Golden Rule may not change the world, but it will change your world and your relationships.”
― Steve Shallenberger, Becoming Your Best: The 12 Principles of Highly Successful Leaders
© Melissa Clark Vickers 2016
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October 20th, 2016 at 5:37 pm
Thank you. I found this on FB posted by my good friend Marian Tompson. It is a lovely piece and a great message.